yup

I stay in a constant absence of vitality.  I heard it discussed in a ted talk given by a gentlmen who’s name has slipped my mind. I stay alive, once living, it seems to be the only state we are used to.  I assume people that take thier own life have somehow found that a new way to journey into the future is to cross the threshold of exsistance. I wake up every morning with absolutely no drive to be in the moments of the full day. Life is a chore. Whether it’s getting dressed, driving, or going to school or work, every task is exhausting. I constatnly check my watch waiting for the next chore. To do anything self presereving, like exercising or dieting, seems futile without an inner desire to continue life with out enjoyment. There is no longer an elation of happiness that can be expressed in me. I can do things that once brought joy, but they are dulled out as if they are blown speakers eminating a dull muted sound. There are things that still move me, howver. I love music, learning, and writing. I even enjoy debating people so certain of the universal purpose of life, namely the religious. I once was religious, but I found it impossible to gain a microscopic but worthy understanding of the vastness of the universe that is well beyond humans ability to figure out. Scientist have made great headway, but as one question is answered, it has a way of bringing a thousand more along with it, unanswered. The complexity of this realm inside us, our planet, and to the ends of the universe, scream for an acceptance that whatever, or whoever, created this place is beyond our understanding as well. My new mission in life, not chosen but the only one availble, is to try and learn to live life with an ever increasing feeling of missing a piece of humanity. I still have emphathy for my fellow humans. I still have the ability to love. There are days, however, where I am not acting but depression has taken the riens of my character and vastly flawed them, giving anyone in my perimeter a bad view of who I used to be and still am at the core. I am a mathmatical expression of vitality taken away by what can only be described as a combination of two factors, genetics, and expierence. To this day there is no cure for my brains miscommunication of its electrochemical reactions. The medicatioin onlly places me in a state of being paused. I’m not any better but also not getting any worse. Nuetral is the best description I can give to how I emotionaly interperate every external stimuli. I continue on not with vitality but with empathetic obligation of the ones I love and the ones that love me. Life is full of suffering for everyone. We all have something we deal with, whether it’;s a tendancy towards anger, lust, jealousy, alcoholism, food addiction, anxiety. Everyone even expierences periods of depression when they lose a loved one for instance. Mine is just ongoing without cause. It has only helped me liberate myself from any certainty in life. It’s given me a newfound appreciation of circumstances dictating much more than what most would describe as black and white. I;ve learned we live in a world of a complex grayness. We truley are individuals living out our own accumulation of expierences and heritage. The beauty is when we can tolerate one another for the expression of this individuality. There should be within all of us a sense of pride on where we came from and what we;ve both learned and accomplished. We are different as each day passes, ever adding numerous changing moments to our history. That’s the beauty of companionship, learning of what each other has to offer. Growing from each other, and taking in the moment as best as we can. That is the only good natural drug, even if it leaves me feeling neutral. I can use my power of cognition to realize what I have. That is where I’m learning to live life with an afflicting disease. I’m not alone. Most of us will accquire an advisary in the form of declining health, even if not we’re all waiting in line for a ceasing of our life. I still do not belive that suffering is necessary to have muturity come about, but there is something worthwhile in learning to laugh in the face of a life full of trials. Realiazing that it’s only temporary and trying as we might to make the best of it. ce va.